Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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