I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
