I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
