Betty ford says i'm here all night
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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