you traded sex for a burrito?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize