Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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