First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize