hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
