This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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