I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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