the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
