i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
