I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
