i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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