I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
