Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
