I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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