I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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