I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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