Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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