so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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