She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize