It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
