I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
