nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
