i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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