is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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