he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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