your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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