wakey wakey hands off snakey
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize