my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
