i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
