So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
