Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
