I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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