The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The air taste purple.
Randomize
