I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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