Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
