Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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