Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
