You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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