I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
