similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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