So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
