I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
