I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
