3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
