I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm just crazy horny about you
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
