At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
