You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You can't motorboat a personality
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
