Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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