remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
