She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
