I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
