the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
