the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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