Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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