They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Drake has all the answers
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
