In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
