I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
