im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Randomize
