I hate your face
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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