Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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