I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
