I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The Olympian is in my bed
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
