She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I will pee on everything he values.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize